She swam through a silken sea of fish and stars – the gossamer web of the night spiders drifted around her shoulders entangling her for a heart beat as she flicked her shimmering tail.
The search from her mind’s eye seemed endless – the myriad of stars stretched before her and music of the spheres entwined her heart in a beat that was primordial and deep.
This search – this seeking seemed never ending – she cast behind her – where was the beginning .. now lost in the mists – the trails of leaves of the dust trees golden scattered like dreams on the stream of her becoming ..
where was her past – where her future – only the now arising from the ashes of the journey – only the now of any meaning…..
and beyond – and beyond.. for this was the mind unfettered – let go – released from the prison of material reality …
ah……..now…
What else is there? I lean against the door of my car – waiting at the traffic lights … the wait is long – the roadworks creating a jam – and I watch the trees by the side of the road. Two huge trees – standing side by side – reaching their branches to the sky – both with narrow green tape around their majestic trunks – what does it mean that narrow green tape.. does it say .. ‘don’t cut me’ – does it say .. ‘destined to be felled as soon as the road is bulldozing toward them.’
The leaves of the trees shimmer in the slight wind and as they speak to each other in the shushing of the ‘treeness’ – suddenly I am one with the trees. suddenly death doesn’t matter anymore – suddenly the trees show me – ‘does it matter if I die for I am also the next tree and the next tree – I am in this .. I am not just me. I am not just one tree.. I am all.’
Death is close in these past days.. my sister – yesterday – swimming in the sea of stars – of anaesthesia – in the place of utter trust – the trust in the surgeon.. that he knows what he is doing .. that the unthinkable will not happen – that the heart will keep beating, that the brain will be given the oxygen it needs to continue – that the surgeon is having a good day – that he is not tired or grumpy or thinking of an argument he may have had with his wife that morning – and the relief when he calls us – late – 7.30 in the evening – he has been in the operating theatre for 9 hours today – my sister has been fortunate – he was present – he has, for now, saved her life.
And now – so many nows in this time of pain – the long road to recovery .. the searching daily for the will to live, for the will to push through the fog of the pain and to find the place where she can laugh again.
It’s a family affair.. for we all need to walk this road with her – with each of us already revealing our insecurities and our needs and fears all in our own different ways. Me – I do the capable equanimous one. Until I go to bed at night and then the tears come.
And I think again on destiny…where is the beginning? Where the end – through the mists the shadows of the future revealing in the moment – we know nothing – we think we can see – but the future is simply a possible becoming – I can get in my car and drive and expect to arrive at my destination.. destiny.. but will I? There is always the possibility – perhaps it is a probability – we know nothing … we foresee little – I can say ‘yes my sister did not take care of herself – it was clear that something one day would happen’ – but for her she simply felt a little too tired to continue the ambling walk with her dog – and needed to sit and rest .. and just a short sequence of events after that and she was prepped for the operation, ready for the knife to come and the darkness to descend. who knew .. she did not .. we did not.
And she saw through the translucent sea – stars pricking the dark of her eyes – spider webs brushing her cheeks – and the tears come – and the emptiness of the heart reveals itself to be the whole – and the trust that is learned and relied upon – reveals itself as the only thread that holds one to the body.
Let me swim with you dear sister – let me hold your hand – let me take some of the pain – let me share with you my vision of the tree. Let me help you understand your heart is mine – your blood is of mine – we are one. Your timeless vision of the anaesthesia was not a dream – was not an imagination but was a glimpse of the immortal realm.. come dance in that place when the pain wants to take you down.. come dance – come dream again and know that we are tree, we are stars, we are the waters, we are earth, we are…..