“The danger is going back to what works.“ he says. Its a coffee date – and I am sharing with an old friend. He is in the midst of turning his life on its head – moving from one way of working to the next phase in his life.. for him it is moving from one type of business to another but in that moment this statement seems profound. I scribble it in my notebook. There is a ring to it that means there is something I need to hear deeply right now. My ears are pricked up… what is it for me?
We talk on.. and I begin to explore other ideas.. those of different ways of moving in the world. The idea of becoming a speaker on cruise ship is thrown on to the table and I pick it up with alacrity. Ah! a new idea.. something that can break me out of my mould – can shake me into standing on the stage and becoming ‘something,’ a speaker – someone who is in demand – someone who can clearly and succinctly express ideas that inspire and create change in others.
Yes .. I have not been there before… I would not be going back to ‘what works’. It would be a new way. We continue to talk and ideas flow back and forth… and after some time and lots of chat – now coffee time is over and I wend my way home – still somewhat excited about this idea of being a celebrity on the high seas.
Until that is I arrive at my sister’s house. “The practical one.”
“Ha” – I tell her.. “great idea.. I am going to be a speaker on a cruise ship.” She looks at me aghast.. “What.. are you sure?”.. and I begin to have one or two doubts. Ah – Shazar – is it not correct that the one and only time you ever went on a cruise you felt like you were locked into a big shopping mall for two weeks?.. and if it had not been for the people you were with, you would have been bored silly. Do you really think that the folks who are going to be there will be those who are ready to be inspired and challenged and who are looking for a change in their lives? – or will they be sleeping and wander off in the middle of your talk to seek more excitement at the pokie machines or in the bingo room?
I go on home to my house – and start to do some research and the more I seek about this new path of mine the more I realise this may not be for me.
So back to the change: Back to the question –
When you want to make change in your life.. when things feel like a stagnation has occurred, a roadblock has arrived – and the same old, same old conversations are occurring daily and nothing is jumping under your skin and inspiring you .. then it seems change is ready to happen. Or must happen – lest you sink deeply into boredom, depression and disconnect.
I am saying ‘you’ and I am meaning ‘me’. It’s a habit that can easily creep into conversation – into the words we use and these ‘third person’ words can create a barrier, a step away from – an impersonality that jams us into a corner of non-ownership.
If I am ready to make a change – I have to step out of that corner and I need to own what is for myself. It is needed to see first where I am – for if I don’t know where I am – how can I move to another place? There is still something here for me in this statement – “the danger is in going back to what works” that merits teasing out and exploring.
So what is it right now for me – I am essentially comfortable – I have a beautiful man in my life who is supporting and loving to me – I live in a house that is also comfortable – it is warm, I have transport – I have a regular income – I can earn a bit more every now and then – and small windfalls come in at irregular intervals allowing me to splurge a little.
So where is the ‘itch’ – the challenge and the feeling of needing change. The change is not in the circumstances of my life, but in the mood, the attitude the place of excitement and enthusiasm for my state of being. Nothing is grabbing me – everything feels somewhat removed – like I am going through the motions of my life with no intensity – no real connection. I start things and then half-completed wander off to seek the next piece of the day – not unhappy – not really – but not sparking – not joyous – not committed. I know it is time to renew my daily practice. To meditate, to journal and to walk. These are practices – practices that remind me – remind me of who I really am.
For I have forgotten my guides, I have forgotten the unseen – those who I have so clearly known are supporting me all the time – its like that picture on the beach of footprints – the caption reading – “Where are you my God.. I am walking alone – see my footprints all alone on the sand” – and the answer comes – “ah but those are my footprints – I was carrying you on my shoulders.”
My unseen family those who are with me – are there – but I forget to see.. I forget to acknowledge them and I forget to ask for help.
But I am an exceptionally fortunate being – for now I remember – or am reminded – just in time it seems – of who I really am. Not this small and stuck tightly wound being – blundering along – blindly doing the daily life – seeing no further than the next hour or so .. unaware of my essence and my real self.
But a being who is also filled with light… a being who can step out of the old and into the new day .. letting go of the restricted vision .. and connecting once again with those who stand ready and waiting for the lift of the soul and the shake of the head that lets go of the ‘mental constraints’ and lifts her face to the wind and the sea and the expansion of the soul.
It seems to me that I am the conduit for the unseen support that I always have there – whether or not I am aware of it in the moment. Those who stand with me – beside me have not the hands to do the work – have not the eyes to see the beauty of the sunset, the curve of the child’s cheek, the light in the lover’s eyes.. it is through my eyes – my physical being that this world is known to those who work through me. Its up to me to remember – to stay connected – to allow and to become the flow. And as this energy flows, who can be bored, who can question what is next? And then – to let go – and then to allow the flow to flow through me – and the trust of that ‘knowing’ to guide the next step and the next .. and return again to the wonder that showers all around me when I have reconnected and I am no longer holding myself tight and removed and afraid.
“To not return to what works” is a statement of the mind – a statement of the ‘me doing it all myself’ trying to break free to break out into a new world – but not yet with the sense of awareness that this breaking free must be a breaking out. Out of the old self – and into the whole self – interesting that the statement is true – but the understanding of that statement is not yet revealed.
In the telling of the story – the truth of the statement is uncovered – the layers of mind peeled away and the essence of Being expanded and connected and the new is revealed.