Seeking nothingness – nobody-ness
I sit.. I feel, I seek to allow myself to be. To be with the shedding of the trappings of my identities.. to understand who I am not. and through the who I am not to begin to sense who i am. As I meditate in the morning … I seek the no-thing, the no one, that nothing space that cannot be sought that does not exist…
and as I touch it and become aware of it.. it slips past and disappears into the nothingness of its no existence.
And this is a quest which is impossible.. a seeking of the something that is nothing – to find what? to find myself – to find that which I am not.
The questions go around in circles – each question brings me simply to yet another question – it is the “who am I” game – the ultimate game – the life game which has no answer. Because the answer is existence and what and who is existence? It is a circle .. a snake biting its tail – a symbolic chase back into myself.
Who am I .. these are my outer selves…
The identities with which I clothe myself.
I am the bush kid – the one who was brought up hundreds of miles from the city – miles from our nearest neighbour – with no other kids to play with barring the ‘black ‘ kids who I was not allowed to play with. (early racism training)
I am the kid who was banished from my home and sent to boarding school. (nobody loves me training) the kid who lost her mother so young – the kid who grew up fast. (now I have to be responsible training)
And so many more that came thick and fast in my youth… and now…
as the years have passed and the teachers in my life have come and gone – still I question – still I seek that elusive who am I?
I am the lover, I am the sister – the friend, the cook – the gardener – an artist – I am Australian – I am the foreigner – I am the seeker, I am the traveller – I am me.
I am the elder – the wise one (sometimes ) life experience clinging to me like an old coat a bit wrinkled and worn but accepting and in the acceptance lies the wisdom of the age.
Persona’s – identities – the teacher – the mentor, the supporter – the one who is generous – the one who is slightly crazy and can cry at nothing – the forbearing one – patient one – the irrational one – the one who knows when to hold her tongue and sometimes totally forgets and opens her mouth in just the wrong moment!
Yes that is another part of me – the one who cannot sit on stuff.. the one who simply has to take a stand – to speak up – even when it feels totally uncomfortable.
So today as I write.. writing this story … the story of my life of me – I wonder what it all means and really … if it means anything at all.
I wonder if any of it is important – and as I spiral down that rabbit hole – it opens into a blackness which feels like “here be dragons.”
It is easy to become despondent – to slide into a not knowing space – a space which is self indulgent and self pitying – who am I and what am I doing here.. is anything of any significance – even those things which I do that in the moment seem to matter – when I start asking the hard questions they disappear into the place of no meaning.
Oh, the tightrope which is that of discovery of the being – that being beyond the self and the ego – and as I slip over the edge into that place – if I take my ego with me – (laughing… is that a possibility?) … but when I try to take the ego with me… that place appears to be a wasteland. But is it?
Stop – wait – be still – watch – stretch – expand – and slip out of your self –
and if you are very quiet –
if today in this moment blessings shower –
you may understand this …
‘Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing
and right-doing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.”
Attributed to Professor Jalaluddin Mohammed Balkhi around 1260