Can I survive? Can my relationship survive.. can we all survive..
what if we don’t – who will care.. the planet will be happy .. maybe I too will be happy .. who knows.. what is the truth..
what is real
what is emotion
what is logic..
So many questions plaguing me .. getting in my way .. turning my creation off.. only able to dig in the garden and today it is too hot.. and to procrastinate and to cook and to clean the house and to get angry with my partner.
Its all going pear shaped.. and if I continue in this fashion who is going to care.. because I don’t .. the worst bit right now is that I don’t care about my work.. I can’t create anything, I can’t even write ..
its not flowing
it’s stupid
its insane
its all blame..
it’s my fault – its your fault .. its nobodies fault and kindness is the key and who cares about kindness any more when it is not even a shared value?
What happens when values are so diverse that they don’t meet any more?
Did it matter before when we could go out – when we had space and we were not in each others hair.
Run on . run on.. run run run.. the writing runs or doesn’t run – how is this time of the virus? What is this time of the virus?
What is the way through, how will we survive.. not the virus but the side effects – the side effects.. the dreaded side effects.. the emotion – don’t feel .. just use your logic..
What me? Not feel, not be emotional what right have you to tell me not to feel.. and so it goes that craziness that erupts forth from my inside irrational self.
Lie down, cry. .. let the tears come forth..let them flow let the rage erupt through your being – let the tears flow and as they flow the breathing slows and the eyes close and just a little sleep takes over..
and then I wake .. and it has passed.. the time is gone.. the rage has let go, I can get up, I can hear my partner in the other room, doing his logical world – being his logical self – not allowing the emotion to enter his being.. working it all out in his cerebral way – his way of needing to analyse and understand everything .. not my way .. can I really be in lock down with this person.. this person who I love so dearly but whose personality can bring me to the edge of insanity in such a short time?
Oh god save us in the time of the virus .. whoever god is.. if god is..
god is me and god is you and only together can we save ourselves.. save ourselves from what.. from our own insanity – from our own disowning of self .. our own disowning of our responsibility in this time.. our responsibility to each other, to ourselves and to our world ..
Breathe, breathe, breathe – come to centre – come to myself – break free .. open – allow – listen – respond – leave the reaction behind, breathe – write, allow – and let go.. let go of all that is causing the chaos, the jarring, the disharmony.. its up to me – its up to me – and only me – there is only me.
