Each and every journey we take in our lives has a learning to go along with it.. sometimes it takes a while to see that – and when we are in the midst of the painful ones – it can be tough to come to the place where we say – yes .. this too had a reason – this too has gifted me something. Without this – I would be less. Without this I would not have understood.
These past weeks I have been in a struggle with myself.
Outwardly .. everything was fine – I have been comfortable – I have been taken care of in all ways – I have been digging in my garden watching my plants grow, preparing the ground for new ones, spending hours simply holding the hose and allowing the abundance of water that comes out of our taps to flow into the ground.
“Watering”. very important work..
And in between I did a bit here and there to support my friends in India. Raised a little funds for a bus, wrote some proposals and reports for the Water Project – supported a friend or two – and a sister or two – I did my ‘home’ things. But all the while my mind was tussling and hassling me. My daily – (well sometimes daily) journal is full of the pull and push. My scribbled words are interspersed with quotes from consulting my Shaman cards.. thank goodness for that channel of wisdom that has helped me stay a little sane! and occasionally when I allowed myself to express my mental struggles to my beloved – he provided the rock that I could stand on to see a little higher.
But I continued to berate myself under it all. I am too comfortable, I am too stuck, I am not doing what I should be doing – what am I .. a city farmer.. a cook, a cleaner.. looks like housewife to me!! where is my passion? where is my contribution? where am I? am I too old, am I not inspired any more – am I just simply over it all and ‘retired’! Shock horror ! Not you Shazar .. not the intrepid traveller – the one who goes out beyond the boundaries.. that’s been your modus operandi for years.. you really must be getting past it.. getting old! And so I pushed it at the gym – and I lifted the heavy things at home and I dug furiously in the earth and dripped sweat in the sun – I worked .. I proved to myself that I could do it. whatever It was at the time. But still the question was there.. why am I not booking my ticket to India? Why am I not ready to go.. soon it will be too hot.. and that will be another great excuse not to go. Before now, the fares were too high.. every time yet another reason why I am not going.
Maybe its over.. maybe its all finished.. maybe my work there is done.
So many conflicting thoughts such indecision.. and through it all came a thread that said “its time to simply trust that it is not yet the time. “
I even almost booked flights.. I looked at them every few days.. and came right to the last ‘pay now page’.. and didn’t pay.
And then a couple of days ago I had a call from Yogita – my little Indian sister – the one who is mother to all those children. We chatted on WhatsApp.. and almost her first words were.. ‘I miss you so much.’
oops.. the switch was made – my heart melted – and I promised her that I would make a decision by the next evening and let her know if and when I was coming.
It didn’t even take that long.
Before breakfast the next morning I had found the flight I wanted and booked and paid my ticket. 21st February .. time to go. And as I drove to my chiro appointment that morning – the waves of excitement came.
So where is the gift of indecision? what was it all about? .. looking deep into me, I could see that the indecisiveness and the conflict was even reflected in my body. Right inside at the cellular level my cells didn’t know which way to spin. Confusion reigned there and was mirrored outwardly.
The indecision was making me ill, it made me emotionally unstable.. again I asked – where is the gift?
The gift is the realisation that when I am fully in trust, the indecision is just a flag – its simply not time yet. When the time is right the choice can be made.
Be ware .. be aware – when indecision comes in the door.. know it is a gift.. know it is the signal to turn my face to trust. To turn my being to the centre.. to wait – to know that all is as it should be.
Our lives are cycles – and the cycles have a going out and a coming back. And at the turn – the place where the returning begins, there is always a small pause – .. that pause is the time of indecision – that place of stop – and then the movement returns.
Thank you Great Spirit for the gift of indecision.